<< BATS BEAT STICKS ~ MAIN ~ IT JUST DON'T ADD UP >>
COLD TURKEY
Awful climate change resulting from terrible human activity is causing unexpected Tasmanian embiggening:
Tasmania’s main turkey producer is warning customers to expect more than they have ordered, after climatic conditions resulted in bigger-than-usual birds.
Nichols Poultry owner Robert Nichols says the company thought it courteous to let its customers know “we’ve overshot the mark a little bit this year”.
He says a cool growing season has seen the turkeys gobbling down their food like there is no tomorrow.
“We just found that it’s been such an exceptional season that they’ve just eaten that much better this year and performed that much better that it’s quite a surprise,” Mr Nichols said.
It’s ... nightmarish! If global warming (which can also mean cooling) continues, we’ll soon be overrun by delicious edible birds!
Pray for our planet.
(Via the invaluable J.F. Beck)
If they raised them in Antarctica, they’d be the size of a tyrannosaur.
Posted by Mystery Meat on 2005 12 19 at 02:45 PM • permalinkWill there be a remake of The Birds?
“(gobble gobble)”
“Mitch? Did you hear that? ... AIEEEEEEEE!”Posted by beautifulatrocities on 2005 12 19 at 02:46 PM • permalinkI guess this all depends on what the turkeys have been eating? Does the IOC know what’s going on in Tasmania concerning the juiced up birds?
Posted by Pat Patterson on 2005 12 19 at 03:10 PM • permalink#5: It will be difficult to stuff them down the chimney, that’s for sure
Posted by beautifulatrocities on 2005 12 19 at 03:26 PM • permalinkWhen Tim Lambert comments on this post, it’s gonna be so easy….we can just point out that when it comes to big turkeys, Lambert is most certainly an expert.
As in, “it takes one to know one”.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 12 19 at 03:54 PM • permalink“We just found that it’s been such an exceptional season that they’ve just eaten that much better this year and performed that much better that it’s quite a surprise,” Mr Nichols said.
Really fowled up your forecasts, eh Nichols me boy?
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 12 19 at 04:15 PM • permalinkWe know Tasmanians are a little weird (insert old joke about inbreeding here) but in Mainland Australia we’ve mastered buying Christmas turkey by the kilo so we get the correct amount for number of dinner guests. It’s not hard.
Posted by walterplinge on 2005 12 19 at 04:54 PM • permalink#15 ... but Tasmanian kilos are heavier
Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2005 12 19 at 04:57 PM • permalinkIt’s ... nightmarish! If global warming (which can also mean cooling) continues, we’ll soon be overrun by delicious edible birds!
Not if you have a hand in defrosting them, Tim…we’ll be overrun with avian bio-death devices!
Posted by Mr. Bingley on 2005 12 19 at 07:24 PM • permalinkwan’t the plannet muach hotter in prehistoric times, with dinosuar’s. even in the last 40,000 years their were giant marsupials that roamed australia.
here is an article i just found http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-05/ra-ssb052705.php
“Megafauna roamed the globe in the Pleistocene epoch, between 1.8 million and 10,000 years ago.
In the northern hemisphere species such as the woolly mammoth and sabretooth tiger dominated the landscape, while in Australia - which evolved for 40 million years in isolation - giant marsupials ruled.
Current theories suggest that between 50,000 and 20,000 years ago, increasing aridity in Australia led to cooler and drier conditions that decreased wooded habitats and expanded deserts and grasslands, but researchers are still not clear what impact it had on fauna”.
I work with aboriginal people and they still have stories about these animals, i think in the end they where the ones who finished most of them off, lol.
News just in - Yebko Wah, a Tibetan yak herder, noticed one of the icicles hanging from his eve DID NOT melt last night. He has thus declared anthropomorphic global warming a myth leading to the number of expert global warming skeptics rising from 0.001% to 0.002% of all climatologists. However, doubt was cast over his impartiality as BP had offered him half a litre of oil and a packet of Winnie Blues to keep warm over the winter and enable him to continue his research.
He made no comment on the embiggening, or lack there of, of the local turkey population.
BALCO Butterballs! This calls for a Congressional Investigation! We need celebrity turkey growers to testify tearfully on camera!
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 12 19 at 08:30 PM • permalinkBut can they defeat Great Pervert Crab, Thousand Head Python and Giant Anteater King?
(That’s much funnier if you imagine the lip-synch being slightly off.)
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 12 19 at 09:37 PM • permalinkAHHHH! Can you imagine the Left’s new scare campaign??? Predictions of giant Godzilla-like turkeys stomping through cities, crushing buildings, picking us off one at a time!
PLEASE! PLEASE! No more coal burning!
THE TURKEYS ARE COMING! THE TURKEYS ARE COMING!To which I’d imagine the Tory reply would be: How do you know they’re bigger? Maybe they’re just puffing their feathers out. Also, how do you know turkey size doesn’t fluctuate naturally? There was that period of abnormally large man eating turkeys in the middle ages. And maybe getting eaten by a giant turkey could be a good thing. Happened to me last week and I feel much the better for it.
A vision of the future?
Click on “To Grandmother’s House We Go” for this horrific preview of things to come!
Posted by MikeTheLibrarian on 2005 12 19 at 10:18 PM • permalink#9 - No, global warming/cooling/climate change means less food, as the turkeys’ appetites increase, and they eat everything.
Posted by pog-ma-thon on 2005 12 19 at 10:34 PM • permalinkWhoa, there are two Australian enviroreligionists named Steve? (I think Ender is Aussie) Actually, probably not that big a coincidence. OK, here’s what I left on his blog:
“In the ‘70s, environmentalists said human pollution was causing falling temperatures and would lead to an Ice Age.In the ‘90s, they said human pollution was causing rising temperatures and would lead to a runaway greenhouse effect.
Now, apparently, there’s some sort of global cooling/warming which will lead to an Ice Age again, or not. I can’t keep it straight. Neither, apparently, can environmentalists, which is why “Global Warming” has morphed into “Climate Change.”
Please explain why we should believe people who have offered three contradictory theories, each time claiming 100% certainty and the evidence to back it up.”
Ahhh man…candy from a baby. Now, for those 70’s lot I can’t really speak for them as I was not even of school age then and hadn’t obtained my current vast climatological knowledge (I was, however, somewhat well-informed on the subject of Astroboy though).
Anyway, yesterday in my current abode of Adelaide it was 26C. Today it’s 34C. Global warming. Tomorrow it is predicted to be 26C again. Global warming CAUSING global cooling right before our very eyes.
Chalk up one for the good guys. Next question please.
I’m also picturing a new version of the scene in which the children are running from the school to the village, pursued by fast-shuffling gobblers. No, it’s all ruined for me now.
South Park did it!
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2005 12 19 at 11:49 PM • permalinkYeah - was from Brissie but moved to glorious Adelaide because I’d had enough of sun, surf and easy living. I thought cold, wet and windy would put steel into my character and give me the spine to take on the Republicans/Torys/Liberals of this world. As is evident I’ve succeeded admirably.
Shoulda put more thought into that email address though.
also it is an incredible coincidence that your first name is also steve?....
Fark me…who would have thought there’d be two Steves in Australia. We must be the same person. You should be Mospact PI. Ahh..crap, you would have also worked out I used to captain the Australian cricket team as well.
News just in - Yebko Wah, a Tibetan yak herder, noticed one of the icicles hanging from his eve DID NOT melt last night. He has thus declared anthropomorphic global warming a myth
Hee, hee. That’s almost as funny as an envirotard saying Hurricane Katrina was evidence of global warming, or even better [snort!] a result of the U.S. failure to ratify the Kyoto Accord! Chortle!
Isn’t there a chapter on giant mutant turkeys in Al Gore’s Earth in the Balance? And didn’t Paul Erlich warn us about turkey shrinkage in the 70’s? Didn’t Rachel Carson write about them in Gobbling Spring?
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2005 12 20 at 12:42 AM • permalinkAww…shucks. A little tear is welling up in my eye as I read these comments. You guys are the best. And funny too, just like I knew righties always were. Some guy on another thread tried explaining how Bush was winning the war in Iraq. That bought up a smile. Then he went on about Bush strengthening the economy. Bit of a chuckle by this stage. And finally, he explained it wasn’t Bush’s fault that the response to Katrina was so poor. By this stage I was rolling on the floor near wetting myself. Damn, that’s some funny stuff. I now think of him as the white Dave Chapelle. But he called by Chumpy and Chimpy which hurt my feelings a bit.
hey dave, ender has answered your questions on his site, here is the link http://stevegloor.typepad.com/sgloor/2005/12/global_coolingw.html
sounds like the same bullshit to me, but hey i’m not an expert like ender. i love how he makes no refrence to things like solar activity and it’s effect both here and on mars.
i think it is time to play handball with the drapes again
Champy,
don’t be offended by being called chimpy, as a matter of fact we are quite accustomed to calling GWD chimpo, see it’s a play on the name, the white dave chappelle, as you call him, was complimenting you.
i hope that makes you feel better, i wouldn’t want to think us big bad conservatives had hurt your feelings, lol
By this stage I was rolling on the floor near wetting myself.
They make special pants for that.
And you can probably buy them in bulk so you won’t have to leave the house very often and deal with the shame the future holds you. And maybe you won’t have to pass by very many newstands that might threaten your precious notions.
At any rate, Champy has managed to turn from marginally funny to trite and snarky inside of 24 hours, so I would guess everybody’s expectations of a useful lefty are going to be disappointed. And all because people dared to challenge his previous Commandments. It’s gonna be all downhill from here, I’m afraid.
Re: #30,
Maybe the world is warming up, I just don’t happen to think that Bush-bashing Kyoto measures will make any significant difference to what is essentially a natural process.
It’s funny how the Left invokes science, or should I say cherry-picks its way through science, whenever it’s convenient, but when it comes to other issues like GMOs for instance, science goes out the window and all sorts of gobbledegook is conjured up in its place! No pun intended!Can I get some of that economic ruin for Germany?
I dunno, PW…..d’ya think Bush could run for election in Germany? As I recall from my tour there, Germans liked cowboys. Is that still true?
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 12 20 at 04:15 AM • permalinkAs for self-proclaimed leftie, champy, it was a good try. He must have read our threads on How To Detect A Leftie™, and thought he could fit it. Well, maybe he can, if the snarkiness returns to the humorous level.
I think we can add another item to the checklist: Lefties Must Snark Stupidly. Or sumptin’ like that. I’ll go to bed and think about it…...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2005 12 20 at 04:19 AM • permalinkJust back from my 15km bicycle ride home from work. All you greenhouse gas producers can send ya thanks this way - I’m savin’ the world (when I’m not driving my 2 tonne 4wd).
Ahh…I’m just winding you up over GWB. I don’t think he’s done that bad a job economy or war wise. I wouldn’t put him in the same class as our John Winston Howard though. Bushie seems to rely on the sometimes poor advise of others a wee bit too much. Or does nothing to alter that appearence anyway.
I don’t know where wronwright is, but someone tell him I think we’ve captured a rare bird indeed; no, not a turkey, a funny leftist! Yes! We’ve been wondering if there was such an animal and there is. champy is that guy. Not that he knows f*ckall, he’s dumb as dickweed if you must know, but he’s got the right frame of mind. Even does the truly non-liberal thing of making slight fun of his own self. Oo-rah.
champy, over here at RWDB Camp we don’t shrink from calling Chimpy McHitlerHalliBush um, Chimpy McHitl…oh, hell, it’s too long to do it twice, but you get the drift. You have renewed our faith in John Howard, son. Just when the old wingnut mask was slipping and we were beginning to think that Candy Cane Sheehan might have a point about the Iraqi people being so much better off under Saddam and wanting to continue to be allowed to fly kites once in awhile…Bingo! along comes champy who reminds us of our origins, our traditions, like stamping out dissent and spying on every living creature on earth, torturing children, killing elders, pointing out the disabled and laughing uncontrollably, and making lisping sounds at passing gays, well, the list is so long and I haven’t even started on Guatanamo Bay (I hear the cat-o-nine-tails is the new Ashlee Simpson single) nor really swung the bat about how the world is going to boil or freeze because fascist Amerika won’t sign the brilliant - BRILLIANT - Kyoto Accords (oh, heck, they’re a start anyway, and we have to do this, don’t we? For our grandchildren? Better a destroyed world economy than those freakin’ big turkeys over in Tasmania, init?). Damn, champy, it feels good to be alive and not Chris Sheil.
I’m going to bed now as it’s late where I am, and I don’t want any of you yobs messing champy about. He’s a scientific miracle, he is.
#57Chumpy, I’m the person who pointed out, using facts and statistics which can be found even in the manstream media (perhaps buried in the back pages), that the US economy is prospering under Bush (3% over the year beating all of Western Europe, etc), that the US, Australia,et. al were winning the war in Iraq (elections done, terrorist fatalities up, Coalition fatalities down, etc), that you are an ignoramus as far as how a Federalist System works, (the Mayor of New O is the first responder and he failed to act, etc.) But I understand that leftoids such as yourself, when confronted by facts, simply wet your pants.
Hi, Chimpy (the favorite leftoid nickname), Here is the posting for all to see which made you wet your pants: ( you coulda had the courtesy to reproduce it so that other could share your reaction.)
“#28, Chumpy:“Sure, Bush may have lost the war in Iraq, destroyed the economy and screwed up the Katrina response”” What world are you living in?
a)Iraq just had the first real democratic election in the middle east, Sadass is in the docks, barely a ripple from the terrorists during the election, the rate of American casualties is down 80% while that of the insurgents is up 200%, the infrastructure of Iraq is improving daily, schools have been open for over 1.5 years, etc., etc, etc. No defeat here except in your brain.
b) The USA economy, 4% increase last month, over the year beats every European country, increase of 250,000 jobs last month and I believe a million over the year. (I’’m not sure of that.)
c) Katrina. You are one ignoramus Chimpy. You have no idea of how the Federal System works. The facts are these: The first responder is the Mayor, who failed to follow the evacuation plan, in fact he failed to do ANYTHING except shoot his mouth off. Those of us who have lived in New Orleans for a long time are not surprised. As news reports, buried in the back of the MSM, verify, the President of the USA does not have the authority to act in a state without the permission of the Governor of the state. Bush implored Gov. Banco of LA, a dimwit which makes her fellow imbecile Democrats look like Eiensteins, refused to act and refused permission for Bush to send in troops until it was too late.
I’’m sure facts will not move you as you are more invested in your fantasies than in reality.”
I was wrong, the facts did move you. I do hope you have enough diaper changes.Champy, you’re treading a thin line here. This comment section wasn’t set up for your amusment, so you could come here and “laugh” at people. Do that on your own time.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 12 20 at 09:34 AM • permalinkAnd slammer, you can put a sock in it too.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 12 20 at 09:35 AM • permalink#57 Chimpy, Sorry to hang around, but some things can’t be left alone. How do you know I’m a “guy”, or is that a word you use for all sexes, unable to tell the difference. On another tack, I thought at first you can’t read, but now chalk up your reporting as the product of a deceiving little leftoid. You failed to report that you are the one in #28 of posts past that claimed, WITHOUT A SINGLE FACT, that Bush lost the war, destroyed the economy, “screwed” Katrina. In fact (spelled f-a-c-t, look up its meaning), I was simply responding to your absurdities. But honest reporting is not a skill of Leftoids.
George Clooney reminds me of that cheerleader who also tried to convince people she was smart, too! Really! Had deep thoughts and everything! No! Really! But she has to go shopping now, there’s a big sale at Nordstrom’s, and she has this manicure appointment she just can’t miss, because um…missing that appointment would be unfair to the working class. Whom she really, really appreciates, even though they’re all you know, not all that smart…
And champy, how about that finding that whites died in greater number, and percentages, than blacks from Katrina…?
I’m a big picture man - details aren’t my thing.
Wait ... I thought it was lefties who were into all that nuance stuff, us righties just being racist, triumphalist believers in archaic and outmoded concepts such as ‘right and wrong,’ dontchaknow.
Trotting out the ‘fake but accurate’ chestnut, however circuitously expressed, will serve as your ideological bona fides, though. Hello, lefty.
Hey, I just snagged this off Tardisnet and thought I’d pass it on for those lacking T-Space continuum privileges…
NeoConopedia Results: Margolia
1. Margolia - AKA The Sheeple’s Republic of Margolia.
EXTRACT:
Margolia was a failed micro-cyberstate founded by former ‘journalist’ du jour Margo Kingston. It [Margolia] started as an obscure experimental commune showcasing the hands-off leadership style of cracktivist Ms. Margo ‘Mama Gas’ Kingston who ended her ‘journalism’ career bankrupt and dejected by her short-lived venture into the realities of market capitalization.The chief structural flaw which undercut the viability of the late experi-mental state lay within Margolia’s founding conceptual framework wherein the Ms. leadership believed (as the French) that frequent vacations and anti-capitalist means could be utilized to achieve capitalist dividends. This belief was widely shared by all castes and through all [1.126] political strata populating Margolia with the distinct exception of “infantile” moles “and oafish” operatives who had been planted by Bushitlerian fascist trainer/advisors with the goal of sowing dissent and discord.
Another of the unifying principles of the Margolian didactic was the belief that they could develop their loose confederation of fever dreams into a proxy rainbow coalition capable of collectively implementing various reality-based, Gaia-centric themes aimed at overthrowing the dominant capitalist hegemony of the duly elected fascist Australian “Liberal Party”. Having achieved this they imagined they could then linkup and network with like-minded revolutionaries fighting human-centrism across the greater crazysphere.
Historical records show that chief among the root causes for the Margolian collective’s demise was its abject reliance on “theoretical economics”, an offshoot of Marxian socialist theory (see: Marxism, Lame). As a result, the central Margolian authority’s quasi-elites mistakenly attempted to uplift their own ranks by enforcing policies which amounted to nothing more than massive social welfare programs (subsidized by Ms. Kingston herself for lack of wider coercive authority) for under-employed Patchouli technicians, Emphasis workers (AKA Bolderers), oppressed Foil-Hat industrial laborers, and sundry Psychonaughtological explorers.
The absence of economic planning, coherent message, market share, fiscal solvency/subsidy, and common sense - coupled as it was with a decided lack of objective results - ultimately doomed this manifestation of socio-political crazy talk to the overflowing landfills of history where it was compacted and recycled into pure MDMA and a variety of puppet making materials.
See also: Utopian pipedreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Margolian Refugee Crisis (2005)
EXTRACT:
In a move that can only be described as ‘curious’, amissivemassive influx of refugees from the outgassing Sheeple’s Republic of Margolia threatened the homogenous unity of the southern hemispheric Cyberian Principality of Blairistan. At first feared as “destabilizing” and “reactionary” by the masses, netter Führer Andrea the Magnificent - Smiter of Trolls - recognized the value of keeping a few of the ‘useful idiots’ around for use as piñatas during quarterly bacchanalian CarBQ Mead festivals at the Blairistan “White House”. branch swinging revellers at these events especially loved the lollipops with a sweet exterior veneer hiding a really sour inner core.This fortuitous policy directive redeployed internal social energies which arose due to the fracture of central authority in nearby southern Margolia LLC. As a result, The Rovian-Bushitler Unilateral Doctrine of Palefacekind (AKA Universal Liberty) benefited greatly through the mirth brought about by daily incursions of “Stuck on Stupids” (see: Piñata) who had survived the Margolian debacle.
Thus the ‘Crisis of 2005’ can only be described as a watershed moment in the glorious march toward the modern Neo-Surfie Federated State of Howard which Alohashirt Uggbooted minions have come to know and to love galaxywide. Furthermore, ‘The Crisis’ proved central in securing the consolidation of a wider pan-hemispheric influence as delineated by the Unilateral Doctrine of Palefacekind.
See also: Success
©2043
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Yeah, it was a slow day…
Page 1 of 1 pages
Members:
Login | Register
| Member List
The downside is that this means an increase in the price of Presidential presentation turkeys, as plastic turkey producers are forced to turn out bigger birds using petroleum-based plastics. Our only options are to open up Alaska drilling or subsidize alternative-materials turkeys (I’m going long on rubber).