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DRUMMER DREAMS

Former Midnight Oil drummer Rob Hirst in The Bulletin:

Imagine, say, 2011. It’s Pete Garrett’s time to run the country.

Prime Miniature John Howard is long gone; a broken, bitter, deluded old man. His good ol’ Texan buddy-boy George W. Bush is forever “on the ranch, perfecting his putting” and no longer takes his calls; yet John is still unable to think outside the Pentagon, still convinced that Iraq - like Vietnam - was an inspired idea.

He wanders the sandy shores of Hawk’s Nest, muttering darkly to himself (or to local fishermen, and those strange blokes with metal detectors), doggedly defending his legacy of education-for-the-rich/sacking-for-the-poor, the by now vice-like media monopoly, and his own unshakable international reputation for throwing refugee kids in desert jails and for putting Australia’s coal-driven economy before carbon—threatening life itself.

Our economy threatens life itself? Scary! But not as scary as this:

Hirst will write regularly for The Bulletin on pop and politics in the coming weeks.

(Via Jeff H.)

Posted by Tim B. on 01/13/2007 at 02:12 AM
  1. You don’t say if he will continue to write fiction.

    Posted by saltydog on 2007 01 13 at 02:18 AM • permalink

  2. Stop press! Drummer has opinion!
    Who is the bitter and twised one here, Hirst or Howard?

    Ironically, if Garrett gets to indulge his greenie delusions
    it will be the poor who suffer most.

    Posted by niobium2000 on 2007 01 13 at 02:27 AM • permalink

  3. Shit. No wonder you left.

    Hirst actually made Garrett.

    He was the one behind most of their music and pinko lyrics. Garrett was only ever the Boris Karloff type playing the deranged monster delivering Hirst’s message. So they say.

    And talk about wishful thinking! He’s hoping one of the most successful leaders we’ve ever had will go all bitter and twisted after his retirement, being replaced by a totally defoliated greenie.

    Jeez.

    Posted by Henry boy on 2007 01 13 at 02:55 AM • permalink

  4. Hirst would be better off writing that crap in an Uni rag. How did he manage to bonsai his politics at undergraduate level?
    And whats with someone in his late 40s writing about pop.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 02:57 AM • permalink

  5. He can talk about being bitter and deluded eh.  He should try taking the drum stick out of his arse and seeing what the real Australia is like, instead of obsessing on the pretend-Australia where everyone that isn’t rich and white (like him) is Oppressed™

    Message to Hirst - get a grip on reality, then fuck off.

    Posted by bondo on 2007 01 13 at 03:05 AM • permalink

  6. Is “pop”, the new buzzword for pap? or crap?

    I think he already has a grip, but it’s not on reality.

    Posted by kae on 2007 01 13 at 03:16 AM • permalink

  7. Who does he think he is? More Fleet Street than Fleetwood?
    Another term for Drummer: Musician’s Labourer.
    Before you know it he’ll be complaining about the quality of the readers’ correspondence, a la Marx.

    Posted by blogstrop on 2007 01 13 at 03:25 AM • permalink

  8. Hirst thinks Midnight Oil was popular because of the message.

    Like most Oz rock’n'roll fans I loved the music, went to the concerts…and ignored the message completely.

    I wonder how many artists would be shocked to find that the message doesn’t matter?

    Posted by Jack Lacton on 2007 01 13 at 03:26 AM • permalink

  9. Prime Miniature snigger snigger guffaw guffaw… I bet passing that one hurt…
    Maybe Rob should try to emulate the world’s greatest drummer, Keith Moon. (cranks up Bell Boy to 11)

    Posted by lotocoti on 2007 01 13 at 03:30 AM • permalink

  10. Funny - I had a thought about Midnight Oil driving home from business this afternoon. The thought: what a bunch of talentless hacks they were. And led by a really ugly man who has to use distorted, over-amplified vocals to disguise that he can’t sing, let alone sing on pitch.

    MO’s performance at the Sydney Olympics was embarrassing and cringe-worthy. I warmed to Kylie Minogue after that. Not to everyone’s taste, but talented in what she does.

    Posted by walterplinge on 2007 01 13 at 03:31 AM • permalink

  11. The Bulletin has gone to the dogs since TB left - or was the dead shittery of incoming missives written on the wall? Gee, I’m proud - a mental retard drummer could have written that. And I thought Garrett was the resident band looney. Sheeesh!

    Last week The Bulletin featured John Hewson grizzling in his bitterness about Howard. This week we have a nobody drummer grizzling in his bitterness about Howard.

    Looks like TB got out of that suddenly tilting rag in the nick-of-time.

    Posted by Bonmot on 2007 01 13 at 03:38 AM • permalink

  12. How old is this guy???
    He sounds like an adolescent arsehole, although his ramblings aren’t even fit for a school newspaper, let alone the Bulletin!
    What the hell are they thinking over there?

    Posted by Brian on 2007 01 13 at 03:41 AM • permalink

  13. You are all missing the scary bit - “Imagine, say, 2011. It’s Pete Garrett’s time to run the country”

    2011 is only 4 years away…

    Posted by Harry Buttle on 2007 01 13 at 03:48 AM • permalink

  14. Drummer jokes.

    Some oldies, a couple repeat themselves, but Rob   Hirst needs to get over himself.

    Another bloody nufnuf with his finger on the pulse head up his arse.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 01 13 at 03:56 AM • permalink

  15. i liked this bit- “new boy Bill “Beaconsfield” Shorten, who’s proved once again that a working class hero is something to be.”

    calling the xavier educated lawyer/mba and hereditary apparatchik bill shorten ‘working class’ is not entirely accurate, is it?

    Posted by eeniemeenie on 2007 01 13 at 03:59 AM • permalink

  16. He sure can write…

    Posted by Hanyu on 2007 01 13 at 04:01 AM • permalink

  17. Was it the tilting or the departure of the rats that gave you cause to leave that ship, Tim?

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 13 at 04:02 AM • permalink

  18. It’s 2011, John Howard is still Prime Minister, David Hicks is still in Gitmo and in accordance with the prophecy all tax on alcohol must now be removed.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 13 at 04:06 AM • permalink

  19. This is really a recurring theme with these lefties, isn’t it, the Fantasy Future thing? It’s like their weird compulsion to doggedly, exhaustively recapitulate their entire belief system from time to time, more or less from the ground up—presumably because it’s all so much at odds with reality, they have to keep reciting it to keep it all straight. Or to keep trying to convince themselves. Or something. God knows. If He’s as preternaturally merciful as the Good Book (can’t recall which Book, but it was pretty good…) alleges, He may even care.

    Anyhow. It’s weird. And it’s 3:00 AM and I’ve had a few. And these leftoons need to quit striking dramatic poses in front of the mirror and get a goddamn job. Good night.

    Posted by Don't Bogart that Midget, Comrade! on 2007 01 13 at 04:18 AM • permalink

  20. “Like most Oz rock’n’roll fans I loved the music, went to the concerts…and ignored the message completely.”

    Ditto.

    I consider myself something of an environmentalist and political moderate, but I sure don’t want people like this running the country.

    Tell me, is Mr. Garrett (my local member) more mature and sensible than his drummer mate? If they’re two peas in a pod, no chance in hell I’m voting for this…

    I read the drummer jokes, but am disappointed that my favourite wasn’t on the list:

    Q: In what way is a drum solo like premature ejaculation?
    A: In both cases, you know what’s coming, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.

    Posted by Nicholas on 2007 01 13 at 04:26 AM • permalink

  21. Even the Greens dont trust Garrett any longer after his succession of backdowns and backflips of previously preached beliefs and outright lies. But now such a beacon of knowledge, a drummer from a old b-grade band has set me right.

    Posted by curious george on 2007 01 13 at 04:28 AM • permalink

  22. YEAH, C’mon kids!!!
    Let’s march on Vice Chancellor Howards office!!!

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 04:40 AM • permalink

  23. One of the tragedies of the past 20 years is that the left lost its sense of humour. It has also lost its ability to write intelligent opinion pieces. Prime Miniature? Think outside the Pentagon. This has more corn than Iowa. It also has way too much bile, written by a man unable control his rage at a world that has ignored Midnight Oil’s message. All that drumming, that early deafness, was in vain.

    Also, wonder if Kevin Rudd knows that Garrett plans to oust him by 2011. Still, by 2011 it will probably be Garrett’s turn to lead Labor. They will have dumped the rest of the sane ones by then.

    Posted by Contrail on 2007 01 13 at 04:42 AM • permalink

  24. Sad,

    some of my fondest memories of a now long gone youth are listening to Midnight Oil at Selina’s at the Coogee bay. However, for a band of what are now old farts, they take themselves way too seriously. Take this for example:

    We don’t serve your country
    Don’t serve your king
    White man listen to the songs we sing
    White man came took everything

    This came on the radio recently and I was struck by the childlike superficiality of these lyrics, let alone the irony of a white band using a faux Aboriginal sound (almost to the point of parody) singing ‘white man listen to the songs we sing’.

    Hirst needs to get over the fact he is no longer ‘hip’. Enjoy the royalties Rob, pull a few cones and shut the fuck up eh?

    Posted by Nic on 2007 01 13 at 05:00 AM • permalink

  25. Our economy threatens life itself? Scary!

    I read it as carbon threatening life itself. Which is pretty well what the Green left is saying these days, when they call carbon dioxide “pollution”.

    Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 01 13 at 05:03 AM • permalink

  26. what’s with someone in his late 40s writing about pop?

    it’s a world of adolescent fantasy-posturing which he has never left.

    Hirst can’t stomach the fact that people who have actually rolled up their sleeves and worked have done just as well as/better than him.

    Posted by JonathanH on 2007 01 13 at 05:03 AM • permalink

  27. Even at the time, I laughed when ‘Blue Sky Mine’ came out and Garrett was railing against the evil of large multinational corporations.

    They were signed with Sony.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 05:05 AM • permalink

  28. Why would the Bulletin publish anything written by some second rate drum beater from a band that about 80% of the population have never heard of?

    I bet Midnight Oil is top of the pops down at the Friday night hoedown at Lakemba.

    “Look, brothers, at the vile convict twitching and jerking around like the dirty Jew Frankenstein!!”

    Posted by Pedro the Ignorant on 2007 01 13 at 05:08 AM • permalink

  29. Good old MSM. Some people study journalism and literature for many years, although some of the good ones do not invaritably end up writing for leftist wishful thinking publications. A drummer for crying out loud. (he’s definitly no Charlie Watts). Its a bit like old rock n roll singers being plonked on TV as personalities or ‘stars’ when they have long faded. (You could probably blame the ‘compulsory local content’, regulations for that one). But for this little venture, who knows, next thing you know he might try to wrangle a job as Garretts speech writer, and be where his sort really like to be, suckling on the public teet.

    Posted by BJM on 2007 01 13 at 05:09 AM • permalink

  30. What was the carbon footprint of 20 years of touring and for the audiences to travel to said concerts?

    Just askin’.

    .

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 05:25 AM • permalink

  31. YouTube: Peter Costello does the Peter Garret dance in Parliament.

    Posted by C.L. on 2007 01 13 at 05:28 AM • permalink

  32. “Prime Miniature” is obviously a word processor dictated correction of bad typing.

    Done it myself, to be honest, so I wonder if some of us are too ready to throw stones at glass houses?

    Posted by Louis on 2007 01 13 at 05:32 AM • permalink

  33. #19 Bogart - This is really a recurring theme with these lefties, isn’t it, the Fantasy Future thing?. Priceless.

    Adams. Carlton. Ramsay. Lane. O’Brien. They all do it - they all wank relentlessly on what should have been, what they hope will be - anything except what is. It is DENIAL on an unprecedented scale.

    Posted by Bonmot on 2007 01 13 at 05:47 AM • permalink

  34. I recall that the editor of the Bulletin said he was a huge Midnight Oils fan when they did the Monica to Peter Garrett a couple of months ago. It looks like the editor is trying to collect the whole set.

    Posted by AusDoug on 2007 01 13 at 05:47 AM • permalink

  35. Isn’t interesting that Australia’s least government-subsidised artistic pursuit - contemporary music - is it’s most internationally successful.

    I wonder if Midnight Oil called in the Musicians Union to negotiate their record contracts?

    Posted by Bruno on 2007 01 13 at 05:49 AM • permalink

  36. Imagine say 2015, Pete Garrett has had his turn running the country and is about to face the electorate. During his term he has achieved the following restructures;

    * The “Strength Through Diversity Act 2011” has formally renamed Australia to Australiasia, and turned it into a loose alliance of several indigineous sovereign nations scattered across the north, another portion is a “European Decendant” state, whose economy completely supports the former, and the act allows numerous other minor ethnic feifdoms within larger cities to enact local laws where their religious and cultural sensitivities are in conflict with the precedents of English common law.

    During 2014 several of the Islamic Fiefdoms declare independence as nations and establish security pacts with Indonesia and Malaysia. PM Garrett prevaricates on this issue trying to find “common ground.”

    * The Global Overheating Reversal Effort Act 2011, has made the natural environment sacrosanct and virtually banned development. As a result the economy has been in constant recession. Unemployment stands at (.

    * The resulting increase in welfare payments has been covered by the virtual dismantling of the defence force, rendering it into a minor “coast guard.” PM Garrett also withdraws from the ANZUS treaty although this is regarded as a mere formality by the US as the Defence Force has been unable to seriously contribute to international affairs for several years. PM Garrett has declared “Peace in our time.”

    Due to Garrett’s “stewardship” the opposition have nominated a chimpanzee which can ride a bicycle and smoke cigars at the same time as leader in the upcoming election. “Coco the Chimp” is outpolling PM Garrett as preferred PM.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 13 at 06:12 AM • permalink

  37. Should read unemployment stands at ( Although I’m sure that’s no surprise!

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 13 at 06:17 AM • permalink

  38. #8 - Like most Oz rock’n’roll fans I loved the music, went to the concerts…and ignored the message completely.

    “US Forces” was one of my favourite tunes - when I was firing the M60 on the range. You’d be waiting for the go ahead to fire and my head would be nodding as I’d be thinking, “US forces give the nod”, and then I’d pull the trigger.

    Magic stuff.  Cut down a gum tree once with the M60 whilst singing that song.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 01 13 at 06:19 AM • permalink

  39. Well that’s not working! - so much for PMCode! Although Garrett’s “people” may be pulling some strings behind the scene. Maybe Wronwright or Mark L can help me out here to organise a counter conspiracy.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 13 at 06:22 AM • permalink

  40. John HoWARd followed the BUSH DRUMbeat to war in Iraq - anecdotally believed to be a 2/4 beat.

    Now we have an expert involved I’m sure this mystery will be resolved.

    My money is on a 3/4 beat.

    Posted by gubbaboy on 2007 01 13 at 06:25 AM • permalink

  41. #38 MC

    Man….the M60…...no section machine gun before or since has come close to that baby. Carriage, punch, reliability, feel, effect, sound…it had it all. Memories…..

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 13 at 07:08 AM • permalink

  42. Somehow I picture Howard in retirement living a peaceful existence, content to leave politics to the next generation, and occupy himself collecting Bradman memorabilia and playing with the grandkids.  He will not be heard from again (unlike some recent sad examples), except for the odd spot of guest commentary at the Sydney test.

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 13 at 07:09 AM • permalink

  43. I used to be a die-hard oils fan when they were a surf-pub band. The message was not overtly political then.  I went and saw them a couple of times each time they came by on tour, and had every single and album.

    However, I couldn’t get into ‘10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1’, and only bought ‘red sails in the sunset’ out of loyalty.  Never bought anymore. All Hirst demonstrates in that diatribe is that he did not mature past second year at uni.

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 13 at 07:14 AM • permalink

  44. #42 - was thinking the same. While Hirst tries to squeeze into some old pants, play the drums and impress the “kids”.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 07:16 AM • permalink

  45. Hey Tim, just why did you leave the Bulletin? And why didn’t the magazine even bother noting your departure?

    Is it just my imagination, or is it becoming more of a lefty rag?

    It used to have a good mix of perspectives, but the right side seems to be fading. It seems every issue has more articles & columns that have me throwing things & yelling at the magazine.

    Gotta say, I’m not too far away from cancelling my subscription, & I’ve been with them for about 6 years.

    Posted by Tom H on 2007 01 13 at 07:21 AM • permalink

  46. What a refreshing change to see anti-Howard diatribes in the Australian media. Canny operator that Bulletin editor.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 01 13 at 07:22 AM • permalink

  47. #31 I really recommend everyone has a look at Currency Lad’s youtube link.  That is truly gold.  Costello can be a funny bastard.  Even the ALP enjoyed it.  And some cool video editing at the end. 

    (for those that don’t know, the issue being ‘debated’ is the ‘extra’ $42 million that the ALP had managed to extort out of the government for the office building they built in the early nineties.  The rent (to the then ALP government, btw) had a clause that prevented the government from getting out of the lease (even after Howard got in), and the rent increased by an impressive percentage above inflation each year, regardless of what the local commercial rate was doing. The $42 million is what the auditor reckoned you and me taxpayer had been slugged to line the ALP’s slush fund over the years.

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 13 at 07:24 AM • permalink

  48. #47 - What is gold is seeing the only one in the House not engaged and laughing - Kevin Rudd. Have a look - little twat.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 07:28 AM • permalink

  49. #47 - the rent is now $1100 a metre, I think Costello said Manhattan is cheaper. Mind you, it rings further alarms when the Audit office is the tenant.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 07:30 AM • permalink

  50. #47 I have never understood why the coalition has not made more mileage out of Centenary House at election time.

    Posted by Margos Maid on 2007 01 13 at 07:39 AM • permalink

  51. I am proud to say I’ve never spent any money on Midnight Oil. I liked some of their music, but their politics shat me.

    Still do.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 01 13 at 07:55 AM • permalink

  52. #41 - Penguin, you forgot to mention the smell.  Nothing like the smell after a few belts have been put through it.

    Followed by a small bushfire ignited by tracer.

    Posted by mr creosote on 2007 01 13 at 08:01 AM • permalink

  53. As Infidel Tiger would say, Hirst can SMN.

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 01 13 at 08:08 AM • permalink

  54. bbcrap

    O/T. Or maybe not, as Hirst is a carbon dodger (aren’t we carbon-based lifeforms?)

    The link above is to a kids game on the BBC - “Its a green life”. Basically you answer questions and if you don’t have a green response, Professor Manners gives you a lecture.

    Some gems from the lil fascist brainwasher include:
    * Only put one cup of water in your electric jug
    * Don’t buy NZ apples - the food miles mean that the carbon cost is prohibitive (nice self serving con to put up a Euro trade barrier)
    * Don’t eat a beef burger, go veggie burger (you know, a cow eats 120 tonnes of grass a day and daily expels enough methane to fill the zeppelin)

    It really is pathetic. It makes you wonder why Islam and Environmentalism - both fundamental religions - have so much appeal when they are both so harsh, sour and joyless.

    Posted by boxofmatches on 2007 01 13 at 08:15 AM • permalink

  55. I have a couple of Midnight Oil albums on cassette, that I recorded from friends’ albums. I saw them in concert too, in Ft. Lauderdale in a bar on the Strip. All I remember about that concert was that Peter Garrett was very, very tall and bald. I guess I had a good time, but it wasn’t very memorable. I tried to get into them during the brief Aussie music craze of the mid-Eighties, but I just couldn’t.

    Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 01 13 at 08:17 AM • permalink

  56. #54 boxofmatches - it has always puzzled me why much of the human race has, throughout history, stomped on the pursuit of happiness. Most of the time their “justification” sounds like a weak cover for sheer malediction towards mankind.

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 01 13 at 08:27 AM • permalink

  57. “Cut down a gum tree once with the M60”

    Ah the fun of the M60, back in the day the odd gum tree bought it from me too.

    Posted by Harry Buttle on 2007 01 13 at 08:39 AM • permalink

  58. The best Midnight Oil lyrics can be found on Wedding Cake Island, from the record Bird Noises.

    ps: I love the tune, not so much their songs nor their political stance.

    Posted by Stevo on 2007 01 13 at 08:44 AM • permalink

  59. “Hirst will write regularly for The Bulletin on pop and politics in the coming weeks.”

    Should be, Pot and Politics.

    Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 01 13 at 08:47 AM • permalink

  60. #43 entropy:

    Same sentiments, and agree.  BTW, I worked a long time ago with Midnight Oil ex-bassist Andrew (Bear) James, and he was the nicest person who you could ever work with.  A real gentleman.

    Posted by Stevo on 2007 01 13 at 09:16 AM • permalink

  61. I never liked Midnight Oil because I felt they were exploiting the spastic kid who danced out the front. OTOH, Timmy and the Lords Of Darkness are a class act.

    Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 01 13 at 09:21 AM • permalink

  62. Er, make that “Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld”

    Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 01 13 at 09:24 AM • permalink

  63. Hirst keeps banging on, but nobody gets the message? To follow in the path of fellow drummer Hester? (Kiwispeak: Hister ... Nostradamus?).

    Midnight (lamp) oil = whale oil - rather ironic for an environmentalist band.

    #24
    “The Dead Heart”, fashionable MSM white fella bashing of the time.

    #25
    Pollution, like ‘noise’, can be subjectively undesirable, but point taken.

    #32
    Prime Miniature taken in context is a poor pun?

    #33
    they all wank relentlessly on what should have been
    Social Architecture? ... what could be (vs Social Engineering: what can be).


    #51
    I am proud to say I’ve never spent any money on Midnight Oil. I liked some of their music, but their politics shat me.
    Ditto: popular MSM bashing material.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 09:29 AM • permalink

  64. Drummber than dirt.

    Posted by guinsPen on 2007 01 13 at 09:32 AM • permalink

  65. Hirst will write regularly for The Bulletin on pop and politics in the coming weeks.

    Oh dear.  There goes that renewal notice into the bin.

    Posted by Craig Mc on 2007 01 13 at 09:35 AM • permalink

  66. #61
    Tiimmmy!

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 09:35 AM • permalink

  67. #61 and #62, I’m glad to see the love of South Park.

    Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!

    Does anyone think that Peter Garrett didn’t think his move to Labor through properly? It seems to me that he thought that he’d be able to stick up for all the other things he has in his career, but he’s backflipped on a great deal of them. I guess he was craving fame.

    Posted by Ash_ on 2007 01 13 at 09:36 AM • permalink

  68. #67
    You’d think he’d have taken note of what happened to Cheryl Kernot, Carmen Lawrence et al in the Big Party machinery.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 09:43 AM • permalink

  69. Old joke from the 80’s.

    What’s the difference between a drummer and a dead snake lying smashed flat in the road?

    There’s a chance that the snake actually was going to a gig.

    Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2007 01 13 at 10:04 AM • permalink

  70. #68, I would think that, but perhaps he’s different. Perhaps he thinks that Midnight Oil was so wonderful that he could change the Labor Party forever! After all, aren’t rock stars always changing the world?

    ...presiding over four years of non-stop rain

    In Australia? Shouldn’t Paco Industries be building an Ark for us? Shouldn’t we pay Paco lots of money for this?

    Posted by Ash_ on 2007 01 13 at 10:07 AM • permalink

  71. #48
    Kruddy was getting a head-start on his homework?

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 10:32 AM • permalink

  72. You think this is bad? My new Congressman is a washed up hippie musician from a dreadful ‘70’s band.Link

    Posted by Latino on 2007 01 13 at 10:42 AM • permalink

  73. Sounds like a sad case of projection from a middle-aged guy who’s scared of getting older and falling out of touch.  Entertainers who thrive on attention seem to suffer the worst.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 13 at 10:52 AM • permalink

  74. Imagine, say, 2011. It’s Rob Hirst’s dream to make a comeback.

    He opens the door to his music room, which has been shut up for months. He shambles over to the window and opens the shades; the sun light of the late afternoon pours into the room, illuminating the dust motes in the stale air. There, in the center of the room, is his drum set, enveloped in dust bunnies. He walks over to them uncertainly, fearfully. He runs his finger along one of the cymbols; more dust. He reflects, sadly, that his whole career, like his physical self, is returning to the dust from which it came. He taps the head of the snare drum; it is no longer taut. He lowers himself slowly onto the seat behind the drums and picks up the drumsticks on the music stand. He peals off the cobwebs, but they stick to his hands like the rotten shrouds on a mouldering corpse. Angrily, he wipes his hands on his slacks, takes hold of the drumsticks and . . . pauses. The hands, once so powerful and steady and sure, are trembling. He hasn’t had a drink in a week, but the tremens acquired from too many shots cadged off of former friends and fans in pubs won’t go away. He swallows hard, closes his eyes and tries out a simple riff. That’s when his world finally collapses. No matter how hard he tries, he discovers, to his horror, that he can’t hit the drums with the sticks in quick succession. His hands no longer move independently, but in hopeless tandem, oxen harnessed to the same yoke. The resulting noise isn’t the electrifying rhythm he pounded out in his salad days, but the cacophony of carpenters hammering away at a construction site. In his rage and despair he lands a rim shot, and the drumstick breaks cleanly in half, the broken piece landing in a corner with the tinkly, wooden sound of a tinker-toy dropped on the floor. He sobs uncontrollably.

    A quarter hour later, his emotions tapped out, he drags himself to his computer to write another column. Hunting and pecking carefully, with quivering fingers, he writes, “John Howard is a bitter man . . .”

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 11:31 AM • permalink

  75. “What a refreshing change to see anti-Howard diatribes in the Australian media. Canny operator that Bulletin editor.”

    Yeah, he surely deserves a raise for pioneering a new, unfilled market niche for the Bulletin.  Without any competition in that segment, they’re going to clean up.

    Posted by kcom on 2007 01 13 at 11:38 AM • permalink

  76. There’s a lot to be said for drum machines.

    Posted by Softly on 2007 01 13 at 11:41 AM • permalink

  77. Could be worse.

    They could run a bass guitarist.

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 01 13 at 12:22 PM • permalink

  78. #74 paco

    Bloody brilliant stuff!

    All this writing talent here on Tim’s blog -and the Bulletin uses some old drummer?

    I’d rather read the Gardening by the Stars section in the Womens Weekly

    Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 01 13 at 12:23 PM • permalink

  79. Paco, #74. Sweet. Though I was hoping he would hang himself at the end.

    Posted by Latino on 2007 01 13 at 12:28 PM • permalink

  80. #78, can we get Paco to write it, so I have a reason to buy Women’s Weekly?

    Posted by Ash_ on 2007 01 13 at 12:30 PM • permalink

  81. #80 Ash_

    Paco could do a brilliant job of Gardening by The Stars I reckon

    A bit of astrology, a bit of know how on when to plant the tomatoes and spuds

    Perfect platform for Paco

    Posted by aussiemagpie on 2007 01 13 at 12:36 PM • permalink

  82. That Monopoly Media is a worse vice than prostitution, certainly.

    Posted by chuck on 2007 01 13 at 12:41 PM • permalink

  83. Rob Hirst is one in ten, a number on a list.
    He is a one in ten, even though he don’t exist.
    Nobody knows him, but he’s always there…
    A statistical reminder of a world that doesn’t care.

    Yeah? It’s an easy fix… whatever his welfare payments, just double it.

    Posted by splice on 2007 01 13 at 12:57 PM • permalink

  84. Oops, my mistake. That was a UB40 reference.

    The Oils were an Aus-rock pub band and cradle of guilt-ridden disarmament-punk angst for the stolen generation. Silly me.

    Posted by splice on 2007 01 13 at 01:17 PM • permalink

  85. #74, Paco,
    I’ve missed you.  You just get better and better.

    Posted by saltydog on 2007 01 13 at 03:12 PM • permalink

  86. #85: You’re a dear girl, Salty, thank you.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 03:53 PM • permalink

  87. I’ve got over 9,000 tracks in my archive - a eclectic collection capable of feeding a radio station with either pop or easy listening formats.

    I am proud to say I do not have a single track from Midnight Oil.

    Posted by Bonmot on 2007 01 13 at 04:06 PM • permalink

  88. Imagine, say, it’s 2007, and any no-talent ingnoranamus can get a job writing for the Bulletin.

    Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 01 13 at 04:07 PM • permalink

  89. I think you will find that the Prime Miniature line has a proud ancestry.
    Phillip Adams once wrote a whole column based on that jibe. It was in the days when his column was in the back of the Australian Weekend magazine.
    Knowing Fabulous Phil (his writing that is, not personally thank Christ) I’d say he nicked the line from someone else.
    And wasn’t it Paul Keating who introduced tuition fees at uni?

    Posted by hazza on 2007 01 13 at 04:11 PM • permalink

  90. #72

    Your congressman appears eminently qualified -but a shame he’s not a mussie -he’d be perfect

    Cheers
    RodC

    Posted by Rod C on 2007 01 13 at 04:58 PM • permalink

  91. How about this one.

    Q. What do you call a drummer dressed in a suit?

    A. The Defendant.

    Posted by EliotNess on 2007 01 13 at 05:37 PM • permalink

  92. Is a drummer a musician?

    Is a barnacle a ship?

    Posted by steveH on 2007 01 13 at 06:26 PM • permalink

  93. I love drummer songs.

    Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
    A moonbat’s king, pa rum pum pum pum
    He’ll give our land away, pa rum pum pum pum
    To the aborigining, pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
    When we come.

    Sheik Hilaly comes, pa rum pum pum pum
    He only looks for cat meat, pa rum pum pum pum
    Did you say sharia amour, pa rum pum pum pum
    That he’ll impose on us pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
    On my drum?

    Keyser nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
    out of context talk, pa rum pum pum pum
    I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
    I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
    Me and my drum


    Oils used to be OK 20 years ago, but they have no more right to pontificate on political matters than I do.  (Less in fact, because I’m fucking smart and they’re fuckwits.

    jlc

    Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 01 13 at 06:26 PM • permalink

  94. when i was a kid i bought the ‘beds are burning’ single - even as a naive yoof i didn’t take the message seriously- always thought that if the oils were sincere they would have packed up and f**ked off back to the old country

    #61- alburyshifton- priceless
    #74 paco- beautiful

    Posted by eeniemeenie on 2007 01 13 at 06:37 PM • permalink

  95. Never heard of Rob Hirst. Tim, you’ve ruined my day, let alone my future only 4 years off.

    He should get a gig writing Adamski’s doom scenarios.  Adamski’s gone stale writing each year for a decade how the country’s going to be stuffed by Howard.

    Trouble is, the left always want us all to live out their Horror Future fantasies.

    Posted by Barrie on 2007 01 13 at 06:38 PM • permalink

  96. Good stuff, Paco.

    When I’m away from home (65-75% of the time) and Andrea won’t let me post comments, it’s you, Habib, the ever-dubious Wronwright, Mr Bingley et al who keep me sane.

    (Apologies to brilliant commenters not mentioned - I tolerate you all).

    [In my yet to be published first novel, you will find the line - “It was acquaintanceship at first sight”]

    jlc

    Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 01 13 at 06:40 PM • permalink

  97. More Pathetic Left mythology:

    It was the ALP who gained “an international reputation for throwing refugee kids in desert jails” years before Howard came to power.

    Posted by Barrie on 2007 01 13 at 06:47 PM • permalink

  98. #97 Actually that’s Pathetic Arrogant Commie Obfuscation (PACO), an organization that starting to concern us here at ClueBat Central (CBC - of course not to be confused with an organization known as Pravda West, which also calls itsef CBC).

    jlc

    Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 01 13 at 07:00 PM • permalink

  99. #70: In Australia? Shouldn’t Paco Industries be building an Ark for us? Shouldn’t we pay Paco lots of money for this?

    Yes. Yes, you should.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 07:33 PM • permalink

  100. Re 89

    PA still has a column in the back of the Oz weekend magazine. I know because I see his picture at the top of the page. I do confess however to not reading the text - just limit myself to picture looking.

    Posted by Louis on 2007 01 13 at 07:58 PM • permalink

  101. #65 Craig Mc
    “Hirst will write regularly for The Bulletin on pop and politics in the coming weeks.

    Oh dear.  There goes that renewal notice into the bin.”

    Damn ... I renewed just before Tim left, continuing a long association. My dad always read The Bulletin and I can remember this magazine with the red cover back in the 40’s which was avidly read in the outdoor dunny on the farm. Ted Scorfield cartoons ... being only 8 years old the pictures were of more interest than the words, a bit like Playboy actually. 
    And a hearty “hear, hear” to all accolades for Paco ... helps make the day a great one.

    Posted by galenmk on 2007 01 13 at 08:07 PM • permalink

  102. Some other midnight oil burners

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 08:11 PM • permalink

  103. Nilk, I never bought anything by Midnight Oil - their lyrics sucked.

    #65 & 101
    I renewed for 2 years just before Tim left.

    Posted by kae on 2007 01 13 at 08:14 PM • permalink

  104. Paco, I have just shown #74 to Mrs Skeeter who is presently working on her second novel.
    Let it be known that your work is much admired by a fellow writer.
    Admired and envied by me too.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 01 13 at 08:14 PM • permalink

  105. #65, 101, 103 etal. I had my Bulletin renewal enveloped, stamped and ready to go when Tim announced his leaving.
    I binned it, complete with a 50c stamp.
    Money well spent, as it turns out.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 01 13 at 08:22 PM • permalink

  106. #104: I am in awe, Skeeter, and very anxious, now that I know a for-real writer may see my stuff. What kind of stories does Mrs. Skeeter write? My best wishes to her on her second novel.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 08:31 PM • permalink

  107. Paco, her present work is a thriller.
    If I tell you more than that, I will have to kill you.

    Posted by Skeeter on 2007 01 13 at 08:41 PM • permalink

  108. #107: Ok, skeeter, I’ll wait. But you’ll have to let me know what it is when it’s out. You can always contact me via my super-secret e:mail, which is available to a select few zillion or so people via the member list.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 08:50 PM • permalink

  109. Who the hell is Rob Hirst??

    I’m reminded of the 1998 election campaign and the efforts of that taxpayer funded ABC sponge “triple j”. Tim Fredman and the Whitlams were whipping up a “Howard’s end” storm. Some end!

    Posted by Gravelly on 2007 01 13 at 08:50 PM • permalink

  110. For full cartoon <strike>click here</strike> read below ...

    Hirst will write regularly for The Bulletin on pop and politics in the coming weeks.
    Infotainment media: pop and politics; awaiting upcoming panel show on TV with air-head celebs giving advice such as what frock to wear to the polling booth this summer.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 13 at 09:59 PM • permalink

  111. Paco, please send that in as a letter to the Bulletin. If they don’t publish it I’ll never read the rag again. That’ll teach ‘em good.

    Posted by Henry boy on 2007 01 13 at 10:05 PM • permalink

  112. By any chance, is the Bulletin published in Niagara Falls, NY?

    Posted by andycanuck on 2007 01 13 at 10:34 PM • permalink

  113. Slightly O/T but a word or two for paco: you could get published. Half the challenge is simply having the stamina - and time - to write the damn book. I’m not a great writer, never read enough classics (though slowly catching up there) and still managed to get published a few thousand copies of adolescent fantasy fiction (um, sword and sorcery type) when I was nineteen - at least, that’s when they accepted the book; was another 4 years before it saw bookstores.

    So I think you should go for it.

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 01 13 at 10:56 PM • permalink

  114. #111: Underscore, maybe I’ll do that (if I can get my e:mail to work).

    #113: Thanks for the encouragement, Dminor. I’m actually kicking a few ideas around. I was practically all ready to go, until Wronwright shook my confidence in my comma-placement skills.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 13 at 11:22 PM • permalink

  115. #114, let me add my encouragement.  You have the stuff, Paco.  Leave the commas to the proofreaders.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 14 at 12:04 AM • permalink

  116. Wronwright may be suffering from the often incorrectly diagnosed “comma place compulsion disorder.”

    It is a malady that has caused nothing but misery for both the sufferer and the sufferee over centuries. It is my belief that the Arch Duke Ferdinand of Austria’s comma placements enraged a certain Serbian sufferer of CPCD.

    If only he could have got the help available today…

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 14 at 12:04 AM • permalink

  117. #116: Holy cow, Penguin! You mean to say that comma place compulsion disorder was responsible for WWI? And Wronwright has all that high tech ordnance at his disposal, plus the Tardis! This could be serious.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 14 at 12:18 AM • permalink

  118. Similarly, over in Labor’s Sussex St HQ ... suburban battlers used to politicians arriving in black limos, then hurling a few Holden parts over their front fence to keep them happy.
    Contempt for the prollies, as usual.

    As for Kim Beazley ... a lovely bloke, (there’s always the ...) but a blitherer when he should be a blisterer, a self-saucing pudding, a failed state, a human Hindenburg who came crashing to earth. Otherwise, there’s not much “cerebral ballast”, as Keating used to say. Except, of course, for Pete.


    A teaser to buy the mag to get the ‘good oil’ on Pete, eh?
    Can’t wait.

    Hirst has taken a trip to the Adminisphere ... from whence ideas float down to somehow be implemented by executive government.

    To quote ‘The Castle’: He’s dreamin’, alright.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 01:22 AM • permalink

  119. It’s actually called Placement Allocation Comma Occlusion.

    There’s, really not, much can be, done about, it.

    Posted by Jack from Montreal on 2007 01 14 at 01:24 AM • permalink

  120. The Rob Hirst doll: pulls its own knob.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 01:25 AM • permalink

  121. Personally, I don’t believe in conspiracies (I prefer to take part) because there is obviously some kind of network working behind the scenes to make them impossible.

    But, I have read unsubstantiated cases of shellshock sufferers from WW1 hallucinating about phone boxes in the trenches.

    Also, Leni Riefenstahl has written about an annoying Herr “VonRicht” who was ever present during the production of “Triumph” to oversee “artistic content.” This VonRicht would often overrule her.

    And of course many people whisper about a mysterious Dr Wronski who treated Gorbachev for rickets and caused the permanent red mark on his forehead. I for one don’t believe a word of the rubbish that this was a mind control measure. What piffle.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 14 at 01:25 AM • permalink

  122. Hmmmm.

    Midnight Oil.

    Still sucking the life out of a couple decent songs.

    Posted by memomachine on 2007 01 14 at 01:43 AM • permalink

  123. Midnight cocktail

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 01:55 AM • permalink

  124. #123 egg_

    That find must surely be a mistake! Don’t those two young men of no appearance know that anyone can become a lifesaver now?

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 14 at 02:06 AM • permalink

  125. #124
    ... or (segregated?) swimming pool attendants; but they have a policy at the pool: “no bombs allowed”.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 02:36 AM • permalink

  126. #121 Penguin “hallucinating phone boxes in the trenches of WW1.”

    No hallucination. Under the Freedom of Information Act, I can now give you pictures and a synopsis of his exploits during that nasty war. But don’t bother looking for him anymore - since then, he’s changed his face several times.

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 01 14 at 04:08 AM • permalink

  127. Er, sorry about the misquote.

    Posted by Dminor on 2007 01 14 at 04:09 AM • permalink

  128. Dminor,

    Ha! I remember that episode! No misspent youth here!

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 14 at 05:30 AM • permalink

  129. #125 egg_

    No bombs allowed Got a good laugh out of that one!

    Putting the dive in diversity.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 14 at 05:49 AM • permalink

  130. You Aussies have a lot of catching up to do if you’re taking political commentary from a single drummer.  In the US we have people who get their worldview entirely from Rolling Stone and Wired.

    Oh, and Woody Harrelson.  Almost forgot.

    Didn’t see this one at the joke site:

    Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch?
    A: Pay for the pizza.

    Posted by Steve Skubinna on 2007 01 14 at 07:40 PM • permalink

  131. #129
    :)

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 09:46 PM • permalink

  132. #130
    Heard an interesting stat recently (c/- ABC TV? in Oz) that, in the US, more TV ‘news’ content nowadays is entertainment news than traditional news & current affairs.

    Oz is prolly following suit.
    ... the Bulletin attempting to merge the two? ... ‘pop and politics’ by Rob Hirst; I wonder what other themes, e.g. Paco’s ‘gardening & astrology’ :)

    Small wonder Alec Baldwin thinks his opinion on world affairs counts.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 14 at 09:56 PM • permalink

  133. I’ve got me a thirst,
    for more Rob Hirst;
    His turgid prose reminds me,
    A drummer should never a writer be.

    When you spend your time beating skin,
    Your cerebellum tends to thin,
    The editor must have been soaked in gin,
    when he signed this twat to The Bulletin.

    Posted by Habib on 2007 01 14 at 10:11 PM • permalink

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