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FRED THE LIMO DRIVER
Congratulations to Greece’s Helena Paparizou, winner of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. Sing along with Helena:
You’re delicious
So capricious
If I find out you don’t want me I’ll be vicious
At least she’s not riddled with infection, as Cyprus boasted:
Just cross the line
You have no time
My persistence is outrageous
You’ll be mine cause I’m contagious
Thanks for the warning. Austria went for the honest approach as well:
Do you know the girl who came from Cuba
She loves our music and our songs
She came and she saw
Austrians dance quite slow
Sorry to hear it. And whoever Macedonia was singing about must have been sorry to hear this:
Make my day
Get away
Take it all baby
Please go
It’s enough to make Hungary suicidal:
Spin, world! Sweep me into the light,
Or I shall not live tomorrow!
That speaks of pain. Which rhymes with rain, and again. Which, as Bulgaria has learned, also rhymes with Lorraine:
You’ve got to know that harder the rain, sweeter the pain
I can still remember, Lorraine, in the rain.
Calling you, again and again, I’ll wait for your name,
I can still remember Lorraine in the rain.
“Name” doesn’t quite fit, does it? Sort of like the sun and the moon, as Portugal will explain:
At times, heaven eludes me
It goes somewhere far away
Where the sun does not fit in
And the moon just will not stay
Stupid non-static moon. Romania also craves the halting of moving objects:
Looking back I realised
We are learning from mistakes
I can see it in your eyes
I can feel your heart with brakes
Let’s hope Fred the limo driver’s brakes are functional, otherwise Sweden is in trouble:
I’m leaving with a million dollar smile
The hotel manager can check my file
Fred the Limo-driver’s asking polite
- Leaving Las Vegas tonight?
No, but I’ll be leaving Russia, lest infant Erica shoots me:
Hello sweet America, where did our dream disappear?
Look at little Erica, all she learns today is the fear
You deny the truth, you’re just having fun
‘Til your child will shoot your gun
You don’t often come across the word “ointment” in modern pop songs. Spain remedies this, and throws in a “marvellous owl” for good measure:
There is neither antidote, ointment nor remedies of old
That take this obsession out of my mind; nor marvellous owl; nor muse’s wings
Stewed with melons and cherries, and I don’t know what to do. I’ll start to believe that.
You do that, Spain. The Ukraine (it rhymes with “Spain”, “pain”, “rain”, “again”, and “Lorraine”) took a political view:
WE WON’T STAND THIS—NO! REVOLUTION IS ON!
‘CAUSE LIES BE THE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
ALL TOGETHER WE’RE ONE! ALL TOGETHER WE’RE STRONG!
GOD BE MY WITNESS WE’VE WAITED TOO LONG!
Moldova is still waiting for lyrics that scan:
People in the place, feel your body shakes
Boonika beats da drum-a-tama tapping out the breaks
Pop you up with dat beat
Get rid of rotten meat
You dig with your soul
Deep inside that rock ’n’ roll
She’s a drum machine, you know what I mean
She wanna play jumparale to make you spin,
Drain a bottle of wine, no need to smoke the leaves
By the end of that show you’ll blow yourself to bits
If they watched this show, who could blame them?
If there’s one other thing, besides France, that makes me think that nukeing Europe is the right course of action, it’s the Eurovision song contest.
Just how much crap do they expect us to listen to before we “go postal” on them.
Posted by joe bagadonuts on 2005 05 22 at 04:42 PM • permalinkDo ``Lorraine,’’ ``rain’’ and ``name’’ all rhyme in Bulgarian? Or were they singing in English? I’ve never had the pleasure of hearing the Eurovision performers (though thanks to Manolo the Shoeblogger, I now know what they look like). On the list of People I Would Never Want To Meet In a Dark Alley, the Hungarians definitely lead the pack, though the Norwegians run a close second.
Posted by Sonetka's Mom on 2005 05 22 at 05:11 PM • permalinkJust how much crap do they expect us to listen to before we “go postal” on them.
Well, nobody actually “expects” you to listen to it. Anyway, relax…while the thing tends to command fairly good viewership numbers, few people actually buy any of the music. It’s event television, not a grand expression of European culture (except in the minds of a few of our chronically deluded betters here in EUtopia).
Ok, Andrea. What’s going on here? Hmmm…?
Posted by Steven Den Beste on 2005 05 22 at 06:02 PM • permalinkAll these songs are in English? Is that a cultural cringe, cultural hegemony—or do Continentals no longer speak in foreign languages?
Pity they don’t as they sure can’t write English poetry. Bizarre.
Posted by walterplinge on 2005 05 22 at 07:21 PM • permalinkYes, walterplinge, most of the song were in (sort of) English. Prior to the mid-70s, singers had to perform in the language(s) of the country.
I saw only a few of the acts - most were pretty dreadful. “Nox” the Hungarians - who did NOT sing in English - were excellent - really good dancing, which wasn’t a poor imitation of something American.
Under the rules, the singers don’t even have to come from the country they repesent.
Nana Mouskouri sang for Luxembourg, Celine Dione for Switzerland, a black American for Finland. A couple of Aussies have sung for UK.
Posted by pog-ma-thon on 2005 05 22 at 08:25 PM • permalinkMy observations from the night:
- Israel did extremely well especially since they usually don’t get many votes. Does this represent a thaw in European anti-Semitism?
- ‘Old Europe’ (ie, France, Germany) were virtually ignored in the voting.
- While the songs might not be improving, the singers are looking better and wearing less.
- The ironic moment of the night: the lead singer of the Ukrainian entry was wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt while singing a protest song about kicking out the old corrupt communist and totalitarian Ukrainian regime.
Posted by Art Vandelay on 2005 05 22 at 09:08 PM • permalinkSteven: I’m not sure why the standard html didn’t work in your first comment but did work in the second. I didn’t see any extra line breaks or anything like that. Just to be on the safe side only use the buttons above the comment box which use Pmcode for links and formatting.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2005 05 22 at 10:23 PM • permalinkThis is one of the few instances I recommend watching the BBC. They have Terry Wogan commentating, who has a wonderful time taking the piss out of all the contestants.
It was also very amusing a couple years back, when the British entry received no votes at all and finished dead last. The self-flagellation throughout the country meant they obviously took it quite seriously.
Posted by brucey bonus on 2005 05 22 at 10:23 PM • permalinkThis is one of the few instances I recommend watching the BBC. They have Terry Wogan commentating, who has a wonderful time taking the piss out of all the contestants.
Yes it was very amusing listening to Terry groaning and whingeing about small countries giving votes to their neighbours, with the UK languishing at the bottom of the table with zero votes. Then good old Ireland gave the poms some votes, and everything was suddenly OK!
Then on he went with “the big western countries have got bugger all votes, and yet they started this contest!”. It’s just not fair! People should be made to study their history before sending in their votes!
I think the The Crazy Frog would’ve made as good an entry as any of those horrors.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2005 05 23 at 01:10 AM • permalinkDoesn’t that just figure. The link worked an hour ago.
Maybe this link will work.
Posted by Spiny Norman on 2005 05 23 at 01:17 AM • permalinkAh, I love the smell of European culture in the morning.
THAT’S what the smell is. I thought I had stepped in something.
Posted by Rob Crawford on 2005 05 23 at 07:41 AM • permalink- The ironic moment of the night: the lead singer of the Ukrainian entry was wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt while singing a protest song about kicking out the old corrupt communist and totalitarian Ukrainian regime.
That surprised me. But now I’m starting to wonder if Che t-shirts are now part of US cultural imperialism.
The other irony with Ukraine was that it had a stuff-up with their voting. The Ukrainian correspondent had to repeat announcing the votes twice.
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*sigh* Benny Hill and Clive James used to have such fun with these people…