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“INTERESTING AND WEIRD”
Stupid whales are everywhere, and Canada’s harp seal population is booming:
“This is interesting and weird,” said John Hocevar, a marine biologist with Greenpeace. “There has definitely been a healthy rebound in their numbers.”
Barbra Streisand—you’ll remember her from such seabeast-themed films as A Starfish is Born, Hello, Dolphin!, and Turtl—may have to quit singing her doomed fish anthem (“And the fishes are dying in the woooorld”). Polar bear numbers also seem to be holding up, according to H. Sterling Burnett:
According to the WWF there are some 22,000 polar bears in about 20 distinct populations worldwide. Only two bear populations—accounting for about 16.4 percent of the total—are decreasing, and they are in areas where air temperatures have actually fallen, such as the Baffin Bay region. By contrast, another two populations—about 13.6 percent of the total number—are growing and they live in areas were air temperatures have risen, near the Bering Strait and the Chukchi Sea.
As for the rest, 10 populations—comprising about 45.4 percent of the total—are stable, and the status of the remaining six is unknown. Conclusion: based on the available evidence there is little reason to believe the current warming trend will lead to extinction of polar bears.
That’ll be news to Tim Flannery, Andrew Bolt’s reliable mockery-content provider:
I have so often caught out Tim Flannery exaggerating the effects of global warming that I shouldn’t be surprised by anything he says.
But I still couldn’t believe that last month he trotted out the old “polar bears will become extinct” scare.
Plenty of room for polar bears in Flannery’s Buick-sized refrigerator.
Only two bear populations—accounting for about 16.4 percent of the total—are decreasing, and they are in areas where air temperatures have actually fallen.
So, the real problem is not that polar bears are drowning, but that some are likely to wind up frozen in huge blocks of ice, like those old party gag ice cubes with fake flies in them. Wish the enviro-mentals would get their facts straight.
Wouldn’t it be funny if animals actually thrive in an environment of
global warmingglobal coolingclimate change?Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2006 05 17 at 03:57 PM • permalinkWouldn’t it be funny if animals actually thrive in an environment of global warming global cooling climate change?
At least as far as global warming is concerned, they do. Increased CO2 levels means more plant growth which leads to a better environment for animals. Increased temperatures also lead to longer and more productive breeding seasons and milder winters. All of that will be a boon to wildlife.
“But Flannery has shown again that in promoting the menace of global warming, he can say the damndest things, so sure is he of his Truth that the truth barely seems to count—a common failing of green prophets.”
Hey, Flannery has nothing on John Quiggin who actually gets pissed off if you question ANYTHING about his global warming prophecy.
All of that will be a boon to wildlife.
Not to hear the climate change hysterics. Of course, they are, by and large, idiots.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 05 17 at 05:48 PM • permalinkBut… but…. they said they were drowning!
Don’t you understand that polar bears can’t swim, man?!?
Posted by Dean Esmay on 2006 05 17 at 05:49 PM • permalinkAbout them whales. Whales eat plankton. Many types of plankton are microscopic plants. These plants “fix” carbon and produce oxygen. Plankton is part of mommy gaia’s breathing machinery.
Whales reduce the availability of plankton in the global oceans.
Whales, therefore, are contributing to global warmingcoolingchange.
Detonating nukes in the oceans will put massive amounts of water vapor into the atmosphere which will moderate the global warmingcoolingchange.
Save the earth, nuke the whales.
Global warming? Rising sea levels? The left just doesn’t get it. Cut back on energy use? Get real.
The only real answer is to lower the ocean. There are two solutions.
There are hundreds of thousands of whales, hundreds of millions of big fish and billions - if not trillions- of krill out there . . . and they all take up room! Removing these parasites form the oceans will reduce sea levels all we need for hundreds of years, or at least a few weeks.
This is just a stop-gap until we get dams built to prevent rivers from filling up the oceans. We need an immediate worldwide dam making program on all rivers draining our precious fresh water into the sea. And this will pay for itself too! Creating vast inland lakes will increase available lake lots by a factor of millions. To say nothing of the opportunities for the moving, home-building and recreational industries. Dams make cheap, safe power! Vast new lakes mean no more bottled water and more available for irrigation. And no hurricane ever formed over a lake.
Write your local lefty legislator today. The solutions are staring us right in the face.
And don’t forget the “grolar bears” (grizzly/polar bear hybrids) the SMH warned us about (cuz, hey, if an Australian paper can’t stay on top of Arctic biological trends, who can?)...
Of course, the big problem is going to be the “polotes” (polar bear/coyote hybrids) invading our neighborhoods, scavenging our trash dunnies, preying on our pets…
And don’t get me started on the polossums and poladillos…(go ahead, laugh, but you try and run one over)
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 08:26 PM • permalinkIf polar bears can live on the Gold Coast, they can live anywhere.
And if the big fur balls are actually drowning, they must be having too much Bundy on the rocks. Not the best thing to mix with a swimming adventure
Posted by The (WHMECDM) President on 2006 05 17 at 08:48 PM • permalinkThis is all irelevant.
Cane toads will eventually take over the whole world and eat everything, including polar bears, whales, environmentalists and Barbra Streisand. And Buicks.
It’s all an update of the religion of the middle and dark ages: Man is bad ergo what brings him pleasure is bad ergo SUV’s are bad. Since everything else in terms of global warming/cooling/Iraq etc are only justifications of the “known” main premise accuracy is not required. The “true believer” knows it should be true even if it isn’t. Get it?
An argument against Tim Flannery et al based on the facts is a waste of time. The issue is the religion.
What’s not to like
“We recognise that cane toads are a pest, but having said that, just like any animals, they feel pain and suffering and should be treated humanely,” spokeswoman Claire Munro said.
If people want to help eradicate cane toads they should collect them and take them to the RSPCA for humane euthanasia, she said.
Yes by all means, bring them in…Let Us Whack Them.
Being a confirmed right-wing-death-beast, and thus a traitor to my superior Caribbean brownness, I’m naturally only concerned with my own personal convenience and well-being…So you know - screw the harpies, bears, and whales!
They don’t feed me (yet)!
A more pressing concern for my fellow indigenous islanders and I is that we can’t seem to eat enough goddamn doves & iguanas to keep population levels on our (apparently sinking) homeland down to sustainable/safe levels. This mounting overabundance of globally warmed critters is threatening our SUVs and supressing the natural diversity of our cultural foodstuffs. There is only so much stewed, roasted, & curried chicken-tasting roadkill one can be reasonably expected stomach.
Besides threatening bird flu doom, the doves - with their windscreen-cracking beaks - are suicidal menaces on our roadways causing no end of repetitive motion disorders as we are constantly forced to dodge their evil beaks. And the iguanas! They’ve taken over our streets laying about for their ‘sun breaks’...That is when they’re not decimating native organic root gardens across the whole island.
Anyway, at this point I’d gladly trade a crate of juicy iguana steaks for a bucket of Polar bear, or even a couple slabs of seal or whale.
Consume globally and eat locally.
With all this good news about the environment and the non issue of global warming, it’s a mystery why the oil industry feels it necessary to finance adds against Global Warming Alarmism.
I finally get it!. The WWFs new drawcard will be wrestlin’ bears!. I thought no-one could replace Andre The Giant, but I just wasn’t using my imagination.
Posted by Daniel San on 2006 05 17 at 10:27 PM • permalinkDaniel San — It’s the ultimate reality show AND a tribute to our Western heritage!
One pit! One convict! One hungry bear! YOU THE VIEWER pick the winner!
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 17 at 10:40 PM • permalink#28
Interesting idea Rich, I’ll pitch it to my people but I can’t promise anything. Alternately, we could train monkeys to ride the bears and watch the hairy bastards joust.Posted by Daniel San on 2006 05 17 at 10:50 PM • permalink#5 RebeccaH, you forgot “For Pete’s Hake”, “Water’s Up, Doc?”, “The Spotted Owl and the Poor Sea Cat” and “The Prince of Tides” (lattermost requiring no name-tweaking)
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 17 at 10:57 PM • permalink#14 Richard
scavenging our trash dunnies
What’s a trash dunny?
Dunny (usually outside): The toilet, the long drop, the throne, the holy seat, Parliament, the crapper, the thunderbox, the loo, the toot, the little room, and called the bathroom by Americans. I don’t know why. Our bathroom is the place where you wash your hands, brush your teeth and get yourself clean. Strange ways, eh?
What’s the difference between the shower curtain and toilet paper?
OK, remind me not to let you use my toilet.
Flannery obviously isn’t a professor of geography- the northern polar regions are mostly ice over terra firma, so even if all the ice melts the bears won’t get their tootsies wet unless they want to.
Added to this will be the exponetial growth in food supplies- the heat will cause all the blubbery sods that infest that region to have massive coronaries from the freed up globs of fat that will course through their sclerotic arteries- beached walruses and narwals from arsehole to breakfast-time.
The heat will also cause theEskimosInnuit to get even more loaded on glycol, and pass out leaving a smorgasbord of marinated indiginous tidbits.Those big white turds are going to wind up looking like hairy, albino Michael Moores.
(I believe bear meat is quite tasty as well, if a little gamey).
Some of these sound pretty good, and apparently it’s a bit like pork. The fat’s supposed to be disgusting, but you can rend it down and make rancid candles to sell to dim-witted hippies at flea markets as “genuine Innuit traditional mosquito repellant candles”.
kae — Sorry, I thought a dunny was a trashbin or dumpster…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 18 at 02:05 AM • permalinkWhat a shame our US friends can’t conjure up the instant mental picture that Aussies can whenever ‘polar bear’ is mentioned.
‘Bundy Bear’ is the star of TV ads for Bundaberg Rum and a very cool dude, usually assisting gormless blokes to pick up the local talent. I know, I know call me shallow but whoever designed that ad series deserves to get paid.
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 05 18 at 05:32 AM • permalink#39 Richard M
You are OBVIOUSLY not familiar with the good ‘ol Aussie epithet
“May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.”
....and its probably just as well. But have a go if you dare.
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 05 18 at 05:42 AM • permalinkDave S.
I know how reality gives you the runs, but if you really want o educate yourself, you can always do some fact finding of your own. Of course, seeing as you believe anythgni that comes out of the White House, I can see how this info might give you a tummy upset.
After all, what’s wrong with the Bushevicks appointing a consultant to the oil industry to oversea scientific reports about Global Warming.
Only a tin foil hart conspiracy theorist would think there was any conflict of interest there right?
Back on planet earth…
Exxon documents reveal the company gave $270,000 to CEI in 2004 alone. $180,000 of that was earmarked for “global climate change and global climate change outreach.” Exxon has contributed over $1.6 million to CEI since 1998.”
http://www.exxonmobil.com/corporate/files/corporate/giving04_publicpolicy.pdf
Ah, welcome back Mr AddamsFamily. We at “Help-a-Dickhead (Inc)” have really taken your case to heart, it being such a deserving case.
How can we help?
Perhaps look at that “tin foil hart” ? Or supply a dictionary? We are here to help YOU. No case is too big for us to take on, so fire up and show us all how much you need our help.
Those renderings and simulations you told us about before. The ones that run and give you time to strutt your stuff. All going fine, I hope?
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 05 18 at 09:22 AM • permalinkAddamo, in a world in which it is widely believed that carbon emissions cause global warming, funding “climate change research” is just good PR for any big company. Especially one so closely associated with said carbon emissions. Besides which, it’s possible that a lot of oil executives and PR people buy into the prevailing “climate change” beliefs themselves, being no more nor less gullible than anyone else. YOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS
trexkilla:
YOU GOT TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGSHard to convey irony, isn’t it?
Posted by Stop Continental Drift! on 2006 05 18 at 09:40 AM • permalinkBarbra Streisand—you’ll remember her from such seabeast-themed films as A Starfish is Born, Hello, Dolphin!, and Turtl
I remember her from her rampage in The Bitch from 20000 Pacific Coast Highway
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2006 05 18 at 09:41 AM • permalinkI know how reality gives you the runs, but if you really want o educate yourself, you can always do some fact finding of your own.
I have, dolt. That’s why I know global warmacoolichanging is bullshit.
Of course, seeing as you believe anythgni that comes out of the White House, I can see how this info might give you a tummy upset.
Oh, yeah, that’s me. You’ll never hear a cross word pass my lips about freespending illegal-alien coddler GW Bush. Hell, I even voted for him - once.
Exxon documents reveal the company gave $270,000 to CEI in 2004 alone. $180,000 of that was earmarked for “global climate change and global climate change outreach.” Exxon has contributed over $1.6 million to CEI since 1998.”
BUAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
With
Exxon’s profits, $1.6 million is pocket money, Addamo. Exxon is throwing nickels and dimes at climate change. This is effing chump change.And guess who the chumps are, Addamo. Just guess.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2006 05 19 at 01:58 AM • permalinkWhat do you expect from folk who park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 19 at 02:58 AM • permalinkAt the risk of turning into an amphibian with particulary toothsome rear appendages, lmassie, both are synonymous with “Cul-de-Sac”
Oddly, this translates literally as “bag of butts”.
Posted by MentalFloss on 2006 05 20 at 12:39 AM • permalink
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Has anyone studied the effect of methane from polar bear flatulance on the atmosphere? I’ll bet them big ol’ farty bastards caused the hole in the ozone layer all by themselves. Gassy gluttons.