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SNOWMAN DOWN
Hot tempers in Winter Haven, Fla.:
[Douglas] Sheldon was parking his truck in his yard when he got in some type of an argument with Lankford’s sister, Audra Lankford.
Audra Lankford was upset and called her brother. On his way home, the report said, Matthew Lankford drove through Sheldon’s yard and ran over his Christmas decorations. It is rumored that a snowman was decapitated.
Sheldon then ran to Lankford’s home, where an argument ensued between the men and several other people.
Witnesses told deputies Lankford got a 45-caliber handgun and shot Sheldon in the left arm and abdomen.
“Who writes this Florida stuff?” asks reader Black. “Carl Hiaasen?”
Sounds like one of the Calvin Hobbes snowman cartoons.
... with a pet alligator.
Anyway, can’t be Hiaasen. He stopped writing material that good around Stormy Weather.
Posted by Tony.T.Teacher on 2007 12 08 at 03:08 AM • permalinkIf decapitation is involved, then Presbyterians are in the area.
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 12 08 at 03:15 AM • permalinkSheldon clearly had it coming as the decorations prove that he was trying to celebrate Christmas.
Christmas - got something to do with christianity and Jesus Whats-his-name. Can’t have that in a multi-faith society.
Celebrate - can’t enjoy life any more (see thread on Flannery).
Decorations - probably lit up at night. Think of the power consumption! Think of of the polar bears!
Truck - Sheldon drove a truck (I presume that means 4WD). Gaia-raper to boot.
Guy was lucky to survive the incident. I’m sure he’ll be sued by Greenpeace for continuing to be a burden on the planet as soon as he’s out of hospital.
My neighbour has just put up some amazing decorations. Have to remember to go and burn his house down tonight. I’m sure all those nodding reindeers and fluorescent santas are adding to our carbon tax bill.
Posted by mr creosote on 2007 12 08 at 04:29 AM • permalink“I just couldn’t figure out what they had against snow men.”
They would if the snowman was named “Mohammed”.
Posted by Steve at the pub on 2007 12 08 at 05:29 AM • permalinkWhen Adam Carolla was on Loveline, he had a game called “Germany or Florida.” A listener would call in with a bizarre/macabre/disturbing story, and the hosts would have to guess whether it happened in Germany or Florida. It was based on the observation that 90% of such stories seem to originate in either of these places.
I got pretty good after a while. If stupidity was the basis, it was usually Florida. If sheer disturbing weirdness was involved, probably Germany.
#2 Thanks for the cartoons, Dan. As a matter of fact, I just bought a Calvin & Hobbes book to give as a Christmas present—after I read it first.
Posted by andycanuck on 2007 12 08 at 11:55 AM • permalinkROFL. Yeah, the girls bowling team has camouflage uniforms with their names in pink here.
/We ain’t rednecks, nope, not us.
Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 12 08 at 12:24 PM • permalinkIf you want weird Florida stories, I suggest you simply read the local news every day. Local6.com is a good source of the crazy.
Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 12 08 at 02:33 PM • permalinkFrom His Hospital Bed, Douglas Sheldon
Issues Seasonally Inappropriate ThreatsI swear, when I get outta here
I’ll chug down a keg of good cheer,
And crawl to my truck
And manage, with luck,
To get the damn thing into gear.With Frosty’s theme song in my ear
I’ll drive to Matt’s house and then steer
Right at his display
Of Santa and sleigh
And crush those eight tiny reindeer.And if by some chance I survive
And fall from the truck half-alive,
I’ll look for the elf
Old fatso himself,
And blast him with my forty-five.Some self-righteous bastards insist
That somehow I seem to have missed
The seasonal spirit.
I say, glad to hear it,
You’re next on my Christmas hit list.#21 G’day Lyle. How ya bin?
Excellent work here again!
Write me one about going to work and wanting to hit people who like to organise everyone else for the Christmas
partyluncheon.
And the one who suggested that, instead of a “Secret Santa” we buy a pig for some third world village.
And ones who are “horrified” that I don’t like fruit cake. (But there’s one I make that I do eat.)From Behind Bars, Kae Confesses
Her Opinion of Christmas Spirit:The bitch said, ‘Let’s go someplace new
And celebrate differently, too.’
And give me a break,
She brought a fruit cake
We’d all need a chainsaw to chew.‘In true Christmas spirit,’ she tried.
‘I’ll gladly take charge and decide.’
Okay, my mistake;
That still didn’t make
Yuletide homicide justified.
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If Carl Hiaasen wrote this then Lankford would have a glass eye, a metal grinder grafted onto the stump of his amputated arm, and be a well known Florida property developer…